Minutes of International Standards Organization Conference, November 14, 1998
    1.. Doktor Hans Grubner, Representing Germany
    2.. Francois Mittelband, Representing France
    3.. Reginald Bitters, Representing the United Kingdom
    4.. Rusty Ballcocks, Representing the United States

Doktor Grubner: "Will dis converence now come in order!! Wir here to figure out this Uncertainty thing for the new ISO standards. Hey Francois! Was is los in Paris on this?"
Francois Mittelband: "You know, Hans, I haven't had time to look into this. I´ve been busy with the Russian Vodka emergency!!"
Reginald Bitters: "We haven´t heard about that, Francois, what?"
Francois: "Well, those Russians have been exporting Vodka a lot cheaper than our domestic producers can make it!!! It was on the verge of more than 60 French workers being laid off, and we aren´t budgeted for that. But, we finally came up for a solution. We got a new Emergency ISO standard that says all Vodka must be tested for the presence of cadmium and uranium."
Reginald Bitters: "How does that help, old bean?"
Francois Mittelband: "The only machine that can test for heavy metals is in Paris, the Russians can´t get the vodka through customs to be tested unless it meets the standard, and it can’t meet the standard until it´s tested!"
Hans Grubner: "A Brilliant Solution, Francois. With men of your caliber we have nothing to worry about. But, let´s get to business. My associates tell me that many calibration outfits have nearly escaped the ISO rules!! We can´t let that happen!!
Reginald Bitters: "Bravo!!! Bravo!!!"
Hans Grubner: "One of our looser thinkers, a Doctor Schlippengears, has suggested that all measurements must include a statement of TOTAL UNCERTAINTY. I understand that the US Military uses this in calibrating the really critical standards. Wir thinking we can make everyone do it. What do you other guys think?"
Francois Mittelband: "Gee, Hans, I don´t know. What is this TOTAL UNCERTAINTY?"
Reginald Bitters: "Let me elucidate on this one, old chaps. Up until this time these chaps in calibration labs have been using procedures developed by people, companies, and other organizations with years of experience in such matters. Inevitably a certain amount of efficiency crept into the process and everyone was following procedures that everyone understood."
Hans Grubner: "Reginald, I didn´t realize it had gotten that bad!!! Wir must proceed with this TOTAL UNCERTAINTY at once!"
Francois: "Will this new thing employ any more French Scientists? Ever since this little fracas in Iraq we have a lot of trouble finding jobs for our nuclear scientists and rocket experts. Why some of them have even become consultants!"
Reginald Bitters: "Oh no, old chap, has it been that bad?"
Francois Mittelband: "Unfortunately yes, can our scientists be trained for this?"
Hans Grubner: "I´m sure of it!! As a matter of fact, mein comrade in Americka, a good Doctor Ketchup, says that he can develop software to make this computations. You know if we get the software boys in on it, your scientists can always blame any problems on them!!"
Rusty Ballcocks: "Well all of this sounds just fine for you gentlemen, with your high unemployment, but what´s in it for the good old USA?"
Hans Grubner: "Well, Rusty, if you go along with us on this, you can put a bunch of your ex auto workers to work being ISO TOTAL UNCERTAINTY consultants. With Doctor Ketchup´s new software they won´t actually have to know much. You know Mercedes didn´t buy Chrysler to keep US workers working!! We figured we´d reduce the competition a bit. Your cousin Bubba in New Jersey can start a little Uncertainty school in Newark. I´ll bet Clinton will increase the exise tax on tires to pay for it, and we all win!!"
Francois Mittelband: "Boys we sure came a long way since we started this ISO stuff. Remember when we just wanted to keep cheap potatoes from Poland out of the Common Market?"
Hans Grubner: "Then we´re all agreed?"