Minutes of International Standards
Conference, November 14, 1998
1.. Doktor Hans
2.. Francois Mittelband, Representing
3.. Reginald Bitters, Representing the United
4.. Rusty Ballcocks, Representing the United
Doktor Grubner: "Will dis converence
now come in order!! Wir here to figure out this Uncertainty thing for the new
ISO standards. Hey Francois! Was is los in Paris on this?"
Francois Mittelband: "You know,
Hans, I haven't had time to look into this. I´ve been busy with the Russian
Reginald Bitters: "We haven´t heard
about that, Francois, what?"
Francois: "Well, those Russians have
been exporting Vodka a lot cheaper than our domestic producers can make it!!! It
was on the verge of more than 60 French workers being laid off, and we aren´t budgeted for that. But, we finally came up for a solution. We got a new Emergency ISO standard that says all Vodka must be tested for the presence
of cadmium and uranium."
Reginald Bitters: "How does that help, old bean?"
Francois Mittelband: "The only
machine that can test for heavy metals is in Paris, the Russians can´t get the vodka
through customs to be tested unless it meets the standard, and it can’t
meet the standard until it´s tested!"
Hans Grubner: "A Brilliant Solution,
Francois. With men of your caliber we have nothing to worry about. But,
let´s get to business. My associates tell me that many calibration outfits
have nearly escaped the ISO rules!! We can´t let that happen!!
Reginald Bitters: "Bravo!!!
Hans Grubner: "One of our
looser thinkers, a Doctor Schlippengears, has suggested that all measurements must
include a statement of TOTAL UNCERTAINTY. I understand that the US Military uses
this in calibrating the really critical standards. Wir thinking we can make
everyone do it. What do you other guys think?"
Francois Mittelband: "Gee,
Hans, I don´t know. What is this TOTAL UNCERTAINTY?"
Reginald Bitters: "Let me
elucidate on this one, old chaps. Up until this time these chaps in calibration labs have
been using procedures developed by people, companies, and other organizations
with years of experience in such matters. Inevitably a certain amount of
efficiency crept into the process and everyone was following procedures that
Hans Grubner: "Reginald, I
didn´t realize it had gotten that bad!!! Wir must proceed with this TOTAL UNCERTAINTY at once!"
Francois: "Will this new thing
employ any more French Scientists? Ever since this little fracas in Iraq we have a
lot of trouble finding jobs for our nuclear scientists and rocket experts. Why
some of them have even become consultants!"
Reginald Bitters: "Oh no, old
chap, has it been that bad?"
"Unfortunately yes, can our scientists be trained for this?"
Hans Grubner: "I´m sure
of it!! As a matter of fact, mein comrade in Americka, a good Doctor Ketchup, says
that he can develop software to make this computations. You know if we get the
software boys in on it, your scientists can always blame any problems on
Rusty Ballcocks: "Well all of
this sounds just fine for you gentlemen, with your high unemployment, but
what´s in it for the good old USA?"
Hans Grubner: "Well, Rusty, if
you go along with us on this, you can put a bunch of your ex auto workers to work
being ISO TOTAL UNCERTAINTY consultants. With Doctor Ketchup´s new software
they won´t actually have to know much. You know Mercedes didn´t
buy Chrysler to keep US workers working!! We figured we´d reduce the
competition a bit. Your cousin Bubba in New Jersey can start a little
Uncertainty school in Newark. I´ll bet Clinton will increase the
exise tax on tires to pay for it, and we all win!!"
Francois Mittelband: "Boys we
sure came a long way since we started this ISO stuff. Remember when we just wanted
to keep cheap potatoes from Poland out of the Common Market?"
Hans Grubner: "Then we´re